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The Killing Jokes

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Greeting fellows Psychos!

 

This is the place for sharing your jokes, anecdotes, funny stories, etc.

For maximum effectiveness, let's all please agree on posting in English (if possible of course, we wouldn't want to start another bloody conflict around here 😜)

No restrictions as to what type of jokes can be posted, but obviously everyone around here is mature enough to decide for themselves what is appropriate to share.


So without further ado

Animated GIF

Edited by R1s1ngs0n
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Once upon a time in the jungle the animals got very bored and went to see their king, the lion.

They said to him “your majesty, we’re terribly bored and we’d like you to find us something exciting to do”.

The lion thought about it for a while and said “I’ll tell you what, if any one of you finds the courage to go up the highest cliff and dive into the lake below then he can have sex with my wife, the lioness”.

The other animals thought it was an interesting challenge and headed all up the highest cliff.

However, as each animal approached the edge and saw how far it was above the ground, no one dared to take the plunge.

The lion, watching from down below, got increasingly impatient as time went by and no one had yet jumped.

Finally he roared “so I guess no one wants to have sex with my wife. One of you a**holes is gonna jump, or what?!”

And then just out of nowhere, the big brown bear took the jump and made a magnificent dive into the lake, making a giant splash.

As soon as the bear got out of the lake he started running back toward the cliff.

The lion, confused, shouted after him “where you going, don’t you want to have sex with the lioness?”

The bear shouted back “first I’m gonna f*ck the son of a bitch who pushed me!”

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Today's joke

 

A psychiatrist came to visit a lunatic asylum for monthly evaluations. Upon entering the first cell he noticed one inmate sitting on the bed reading a book, while a second one was hanging upside down with his feet tied to the ceiling.

Puzzled, the psychiatrist ask the first inmate "why is your roommate hanging down from the ceiling like that?"

Without looking up, the first inmate said "oh, that's because he thinks he's a chandelier".

The psychiatrist then said "well don't you think maybe you should cut him loose, his face is beginning to turn red".

The first inmate then looked up at the psychiatrist and uttered "and how the hell am I supposed to read in the dark, smart-ass?"

 

 

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BRILLIANT,  just fantastic @R1s1ngs0n

 

I'm  useless at jokes  however 

 

 

IF you work and do your best

You will get the sack like all the rest .

 

If you laze and mess about  you will live to see the job right out .

 

The work is hard , the pay is small so take your time and SOD them all .

 

OR on your tombstone neatly lacquered , these three words

 

JUST BLEEDING KNAKERD 

 

200w_d.gif

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this is from a friends facebook page i saw the other day xD

 

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or

something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she
cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now £150." xDxDxD

 

basil :D

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1 minute ago, Basil said:

this is from a friends facebook page i saw the other day xD

 

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or

something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she
cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now £150." xDxDxD

 

basil :D

 

THAT IS SO TRUE 🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Today's joke is dedicated to all you superhero fans out there (and especially @Benoit46 😉)

 

 

Superman is flying around one day when he spots Wonder Woman laying on the beach butt naked. He thinks to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly down there, take care of my business and be gone before she can blink an eye". So he swoops in, does his thing and disappears into the sky. Sensing the commotion, Wonder Woman cries out "What was that?". Invisible Man replies " I don't know, but all of the sudden my ass hurts".

Edited by R1s1ngs0n
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a nice video from facebook you need to click on link to see video, its about animals xD

 

it runs from there site so i cant put video in here directly and you will all need the sound on

https://www.facebook.com/619378894818023/videos/450854455690688/

 

@Scary Hair go look and tell me what you think xDxDxD

 

basil :D

Edited by Basil

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On 10/27/2019 at 12:48 PM, R1s1ngs0n said:

Today's joke is dedicated to all you superhero fans out there (and especially @Benoit46 😉)

 

 

Superman is flying around one day when he spots Wonder Woman laying on the beach butt naked. He thinks to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly down there, take care of my business and be gone before she can blink an eye". So he swoops in, does his thing and disappears into the sky. Sensing the commotion, Wonder Woman cries out "What was that?". Invisible Man replies " I don't know, but all of the sudden my ass hurts".

 

seems a fitting  reply  below  👍🤗😁😁

 

20191028_200939.thumb.jpg.e71eca72e497bd65e8573169afd43e3f.jpg

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Today’s joke is dedicated to all the Pot(ter) heads out there.

 

One day Lupin decides to come clean with Harry. He sits him down and tells him 'Harry, I'm a werewolf'. Harry jumps up and starts shouting 'WHAT!? ARE YOU F**KING SERIOUS!?' Lupin sighs, hangs his head and mumbles 'Ah yes, that too'

Edited by R1s1ngs0n

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