The Killing Jokes

[R1s1ngs0n]

Greeting fellows Psychos!

 

This is the place for sharing your jokes, anecdotes, funny stories, etc.

For maximum effectiveness, let's all please agree on posting in English (if possible of course, we wouldn't want to start another bloody conflict around here 😜)

No restrictions as to what type of jokes can be posted, but obviously everyone around here is mature enough to decide for themselves what is appropriate to share.

So without further ado

Edited November 3, 2019 by R1s1ngs0n

[R1s1ngs0n]

Once upon a time in the jungle the animals got very bored and went to see their king, the lion.

They said to him “your majesty, we’re terribly bored and we’d like you to find us something exciting to do”.

The lion thought about it for a while and said “I’ll tell you what, if any one of you finds the courage to go up the highest cliff and dive into the lake below then he can have sex with my wife, the lioness”.

The other animals thought it was an interesting challenge and headed all up the highest cliff.

However, as each animal approached the edge and saw how far it was above the ground, no one dared to take the plunge.

The lion, watching from down below, got increasingly impatient as time went by and no one had yet jumped.

Finally he roared “so I guess no one wants to have sex with my wife. One of you a**holes is gonna jump, or what?!”

And then just out of nowhere, the big brown bear took the jump and made a magnificent dive into the lake, making a giant splash.

As soon as the bear got out of the lake he started running back toward the cliff.

The lion, confused, shouted after him “where you going, don’t you want to have sex with the lioness?”

The bear shouted back “first I’m gonna f*ck the son of a bitch who pushed me!”

[R1s1ngs0n]

Today's joke

 

A psychiatrist came to visit a lunatic asylum for monthly evaluations. Upon entering the first cell he noticed one inmate sitting on the bed reading a book, while a second one was hanging upside down with his feet tied to the ceiling.

Puzzled, the psychiatrist ask the first inmate "why is your roommate hanging down from the ceiling like that?"

Without looking up, the first inmate said "oh, that's because he thinks he's a chandelier".

The psychiatrist then said "well don't you think maybe you should cut him loose, his face is beginning to turn red".

The first inmate then looked up at the psychiatrist and uttered "and how the hell am I supposed to read in the dark, smart-ass?"

 

 

[Scary Hair]

BRILLIANT,  just fantastic @R1s1ngs0n

 

I'm  useless at jokes  however 

 

 

IF you work and do your best

You will get the sack like all the rest .

 

If you laze and mess about  you will live to see the job right out .

 

The work is hard , the pay is small so take your time and SOD them all .

 

OR on your tombstone neatly lacquered , these three words

 

JUST BLEEDING KNAKERD 

 

[Basil]

this is from a friends facebook page i saw the other day

 

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or

something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she
cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now £150."

 

basil

[Scary Hair]

1 minute ago, Basil said:

this is from a friends facebook page i saw the other day

 

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or

something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she
cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now £150."

 

basil

 

THAT IS SO TRUE 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[R1s1ngs0n]

Today's joke is dedicated to all you superhero fans out there (and especially @Benoit46 😉)

 

 

Superman is flying around one day when he spots Wonder Woman laying on the beach butt naked. He thinks to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly down there, take care of my business and be gone before she can blink an eye". So he swoops in, does his thing and disappears into the sky. Sensing the commotion, Wonder Woman cries out "What was that?". Invisible Man replies " I don't know, but all of the sudden my ass hurts".

Edited October 27, 2019 by R1s1ngs0n

[Basil]

a nice video from facebook you need to click on link to see video, its about animals

 

it runs from there site so i cant put video in here directly and you will all need the sound on

https://www.facebook.com/619378894818023/videos/450854455690688/

 

@Scary Hair go look and tell me what you think

 

basil

Edited October 27, 2019 by Basil

[R1s1ngs0n]

Today's nugget:

 

John Connor: Wanna play famous composers?

Terminator: Okay.

John Connor: I’ll be Mozart.

Terminator: I’ll be Bach.

[Scary Hair]

 

On 10/27/2019 at 12:48 PM, R1s1ngs0n said:

Today's joke is dedicated to all you superhero fans out there (and especially @Benoit46 😉)

 

 

Superman is flying around one day when he spots Wonder Woman laying on the beach butt naked. He thinks to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly down there, take care of my business and be gone before she can blink an eye". So he swoops in, does his thing and disappears into the sky. Sensing the commotion, Wonder Woman cries out "What was that?". Invisible Man replies " I don't know, but all of the sudden my ass hurts".

 

seems a fitting  reply  below  👍🤗😁😁

 

[R1s1ngs0n]

Today’s joke is dedicated to all the Pot(ter) heads out there.

 

One day Lupin decides to come clean with Harry. He sits him down and tells him 'Harry, I'm a werewolf'. Harry jumps up and starts shouting 'WHAT!? ARE YOU F**KING SERIOUS!?' Lupin sighs, hangs his head and mumbles 'Ah yes, that too'

Edited October 29, 2019 by R1s1ngs0n

[R1s1ngs0n]

The English team are set to play Germany in the 2006 World Cup.

 

As the English are preparing, Beckham says to them, "Don't worry, Germany are so crap that I will take them on by myself. You go and find a bar to sit in and relax."

 

The rest of the team does this, and the bar they go into flashes scores up on TV teletext.

 

After three minutes, a score comes through:

 

England 1 Germany 0

Beckham

 

They naturally go ballistic. Then, with 89 minutes played, the score comes through:

 

England 1 Germany1

Lehman

 

This obviously disappoints them, but they all rush off to congratulate Becks on his achievement of taking on the Germans all by himself.

 

They are amazed to find him distraught, repeatedly saying "I let you down, I let you down!"

 

One of them said "You didn’t let us down, you took on a whole team by yourself and got a draw!"

 

He replied, "No, no you don’t understand, I really let you down. I got sent off after 11 minutes!"

[R1s1ngs0n]

A Frenchman sits at a Parisian coffee shop and spots a beautiful young American lady sitting at the table next to him. 
The man, who’s physically no Brad Pitt, musters the courage to approach the girl and stutters in a very thick French accent “I sink yu very pretty. Would yu like go wis me for dinner?”

The girl takes one look at him at says “never!”

The guy says “neuf heures, neuf heures et demi, perfect!”

 

[R1s1ngs0n]

- Do you know why Amish people don’t have phone sex?

- What the hell is a phone?

 

- Why did the rebellious Amish girl refuse to have phone sex?

- She was worried her vagina would look funny afterwards.

 

- What do you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse’s ass?

- A mechanic.

[Veum]

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[R1s1ngs0n]

- What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?
- Their balls are just for decoration.

 

Edited December 14, 2019 by R1s1ngs0n

[Veum]

Wife: "How would you describe me?" 
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." 
Wife: "What does that mean?" 
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." 
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" 
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

[Veum]

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

[Veum]

Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish." 
Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."

[Veum]

A little kid sends a letter to Santa that says: "Dear Santa I want a brother for Christmas." Santa writes back, "Dear Timmy send me me your mommy."

[Veum]

Why is Santa Claus' sack so big?

 

He only comes once a year.

[Veum]

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

 

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

[R1s1ngs0n]

An Amish family from Pennslyvania decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Mother, Father and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered. While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes. The amish family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again. The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful! Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove your mother in there!"
 

[Veum]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

[Veum]

🤶🎅